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Middle School
Blues
by Colleen Langenfeld Copyright (c)
2004
Are you singing the Middle School
Blues?
If you have a son or daughter in
the sixth, seventh or eighth grade, you know what I am talking about!
The middle school years are tough
on adolescents, and by extension, can also be rough on the whole family.
Having guided two sons through those murky waters a few years back and
now watching a daughter emerge from this age, I have learned a thing or
two about the Middle School Blues. Here are some of my insights:
-- Long-term perspective. Middle
Schoolers don't have any. And they really need some. So it's up to us as
the adults in their lives to give them a glimpse of what long-term
perspective can mean. This includes ideas such as "this too will pass,
it just may take a little time" and the sure knowledge that they will
continue to grow and change ("do you see things any differently now at
13 than you did at 10? Yes? Then you can understand that you will
probably also see things differently at 16.").
-- Vulnerable is not cool.
Embarrassment often tops the list of most feared events in a Middle
Schooler's life. The problem, of course, is that in this in-between
stage of life, lots of seemingly embarrassing moments pop up. It's hard
to appear cool, calm and confident when life seems so unpredictable. One
minute your friends seem to let you down, the next moment it's your own
body running for cover. And parents want to TALK about these things!
Yikes!
The key here is relationship. It's
tough to have a heart-to-heart when you've never even discussed a
particular topic before. Learn to simply chat about sensitive topics on
a regular basis. At first, it's hard for everyone, but as time goes on,
people relax and trust develops. Use a TV show, a song on the radio, or
a current event as a springboard for casual conversation snippets. Ask
what your young adult thinks and then really listen. You might be
surprised with the comments and questions that start coming up.
-- Hug. A lot. I don't care what
they say. Middle Schoolers want hugs. They want affection, attention and
tons of it. In addition, they want it mainly from their folks. You see,
as their parents, we're the ones who know that deep down inside, they're
okay. They, however, are VERY unsure of that fact. Until our kids can
believe it for themselves, they need us to believe it for them. And show
them. Daily.
-- Stand firm. There's an
oft-quoted statement that goes something like this: parenting a teenager
is like trying to nail gelatin to a tree. Middle schoolers are like
gelatin that isn't quite firm yet. So you, Mom or Dad, must be the glue
that helps your youngster 'stick' together. Most young teens and
preteens simply don't have the maturity or skills to put in place the
boundaries they need. They desperately crave SOMEONE to know what's
going on and place secure fences around them and their activities. Of
course, admitting this is not cool (remember, vulnerability is bad) so
they need to present themselves as totally in control of their
situations. But if you are working at relationship with them, you might
hear them confide from time to time that their feelings inside don't
even begin to match up with what they feel they need to show the world.
Oops. Sounds like it's time for another hug.
-- Think tools. Middle Schoolers
rarely enjoy lectures. (Hint: they tend to hear many 'conversations' as
lectures.) As a parent, you want to keep the walls down and the
communication lines wide open. Consider offering your parenting advice
in the form of 'tools'. Let your young adult know that everybody needs a
well-stocked toolkit in the game of life. Self-discipline, kindness,
listening skills, values, etc., are actually much-needed tools that the
smart adult learns to use with skill. Role-play with them to demonstrate
usage. This will take practice, but is worth the effort, just like
playing a musical instrument or learning a new sport. (After all, they
want to be a suave teenager, right?)
Your Middle Schooler is on a
wonderful adventure that will lead them from childhood into the
beginnings of adulthood. But the way is unfamiliar as well as
unsettling. They need a guide who cares deeply about them, has
confidence in them, and can see farther then they can.
Just don't forget the hugs!
Colleen Langenfeld offers helpful
resources to working moms. Make your life feel easier, healthier,
smarter by reading our One Good Idea ezine. Start by visiting
http://www.paintedgold.com and clicking on the happy kids' picture
now!
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