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How Can I Get My Partner To Change?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want
from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of
your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner
to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be?
Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get
what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to
open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to
us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We
spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our
partner because we believe that if only we do it right -
behave right or say the right thing - we can have control
over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting another to change keeps us stuck in
behavior that not only does not work to get us what we want,
but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to
take loving care of ourselves.
It is very hard to accept that we can't "get" others to do
what we want them to do, even if it would be good for them
and for the relationship. In my counseling work with people,
I frequently hear:
"How can I get my husband to read
your books?"
"How can I get my wife to be more sexual?"
"How can I get my husband away from the TV to spend time
with me?"
"How can I get my wife to be on time?"
"How can I get my husband to talk with me about our
problems?"
"How can I get my wife to spend less money and write the
checks into the checkbook?"
"How can I get my husband to clean up after himself?"
"How can I get my wife to stop being angry?"
"How can I get my husband to stop blaming me for
everything?"
Everyone wants to know, "How to get my partner to change?"
The truth is, you can't.
What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put
them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself,
and no control to change your partner. The question you need
to be asking yourself is, "What do I need to do for my own
well-being if my partner doesn't change?"
"Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance,
resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger?"
These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict
will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly
within. The wounded part of us believes we can get love and
avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in reality
it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our
own pain. None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves,
nor are we taking personal responsibility for our own
feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling
ways.
"In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring,
understanding and attentive to myself - to my own feelings?"
Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that
results from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of
trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and
attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and
attentive with ourselves and with our partner.
"Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way
we handle money, or the way we deal with getting places on
time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of
conflicts so that I don't feel like a victim?"
Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a
victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving
action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation.
"Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the
underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I
willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I
stuck in just trying to control?
Opening to learning with your partner can be magical
regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While
you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you
open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you
have to change your relationship.
When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your
partner's behavior and into taking loving action on your own
behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in
the relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles
that result from each person trying to control with some
form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance.
When you stop your end of the power struggle and start to
take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your
partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness", "Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto: margaret@innerbonding.com |
