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ADD and Codependency
By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D
As more adults are being diagnosed with ADD, mental health professionals are
learning that the major problems faced by these adults occurs in their
interpersonal relationships. The primary reason that adults with ADD have poor
interpersonal relationships is that they have underdeveloped social skills, the
major one being empathy. The way the spouse of the ADD partner often copes with
this lack of empathy is to become codependent.
Codependence is defined as a state of mind where you put your needs and
dreams aside in order to help the other person have a life. Kindness is doing
these kinds of things sometimes and having a balance of give and take in a
relationship. In a codependent relationship, no matter how much you give the
other person does not return the favor. Yet you keep on giving and getting more
fatigued, frustrated and resentful.
Codependence leads to micromanaging the ADD members of the family. Because
the ADD members are doing everything they can to quell the busy brain in their
heads, and to manage the main duties of life, everything else gets dropped. The
codependent person picks up what is dropped as well as managing his or her own
life.
1. The codependent arranges all of the social life.
2. Or the codependent is fully responsible for childcare and home management.
3. Or the codependent covers for his spouse's social faux pas.
4. Or the codependent lays out his wife's clothes because she always
mismatches things.
5. Or the codependent pays for extra childcare or dry cleaning because his
wife is so overloaded.
6. Or the codependent works overtime or a second job because his spouse
cannot earn enough money or keep a steady job.
7. Or the codependent takes a job for health benefits because her spouse is
self-employed in lieu of unsteady employment.
8. Or the codependent stays up late to type the teenager's paper so that the
kid won't turn in homework late again.
The codependent experiences burnout eventually. To get beyond codependency,
you need to explore self-care. Put your needs first and see to them first. Since
your ADHD spouse or child loves you but has no idea how you tick, make your
beliefs and needs known in concrete ways.
Educate yourself as much as possible about the relationship issues of ADD so
that you can spot the symptoms of dysfunction early and correct the problems.
Use books, tapes, and psychotherapy. You can also use a support group to
replenish your energy because this is a difficult task.
Copyright © 2003 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with over thirty years
of experience as a marriage & family therapist. Visit her website -
http://www.self-helpcentral.com,
for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her free ezine for the
latest self-help information and special discounts on wellness products at
http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm. |
