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Top Ten Ways to be a Better Father
By Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
The expectations for fathers are increasing both at work and at home. Here
are ten ways for fathers to be more effective in the most important job they'll
ever have:
1. See your kids as capable
The Achilles heel of many fathers is to see their kids as "not good enough."
Your kids will feel this, and they'll live up to these expectations. The more
you approve of them, the greater they'll be!
2. Make time for your kids
There will always be more work, but you won't always have the chance to be
with your kids. Are there ways to include them in chores around the house? Your
kids will know if they matter to you by the effort you make to include them in
your day.
3. Use positive forms of discipline
Punishment is not very effective. It tends to create more of the very
behavior that fathers are seeking to eliminate. Use natural and logical
consequences instead-if you don't pick up your toys, they get put in a bag and
taken away for awhile. Give them choices. Positive discipline methods help kids
learn responsibility, punishment helps them learn to dislike you.
4. Have a great relationship with you wife
You are the main role model for your kids, and this is the main source of
information for them about how to have a close relationship. They're watching
very closely to learn how to do it.
5. Be aware of your kids lives
How much do you really know about your kids? Are you aware of their hopes and
dreams? Do you know what inspires them? Do you know their friends names? What
they like and dislike about you? If there are things you don't know about your
kids, you can always ask!
6. Be nurturing with your kids
Hug and kiss your kids, and let them hear plenty of "I love you's." And also
don't forget to wrestle with them. Both boys and girls benefit from wrestling
with their dads. Kids need to see your "soft" side, so show it to them
frequently.
7. "Really" listen to your kids
Put down the newspaper and look your kids in the eye when they talk to you.
Be aware of your own tendency to "filter" what your kids say. Reflect back what
you heard from them. If you want them to listen to you, you've got to show them
the way.
8. Examine your relationship with your own father
A poor relationship with your own father will affect your ability to be an
effective father. Are there things you want to say to your father? Ultimately,
forgiving your father will go a long way towards allowing you to father to the
best of your ability.
9. Take care of yourself
It's difficult to be kind and nurturing to your family if you're not kind to
yourself. Find ways to take the time to relax, exercise, and keep your stress
levels lower. And use friends and family to support you-don't become an "island"
in your family. Your family will appreciate it.
10. Have a plan for your anger
Men can have a difficult time with the overwhelming emotional intensity that
families can experience. The result is often anger, which breeds anger in your
kids and creates a vicious cycle. Make a plan with a specific relaxation
technique that helps to defuse your anger. Remember that one bad episode can
impact your kids for a long time.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He
is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers"
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly
newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids," at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com. |
