|
My Kids are Driving Me Crazy
By Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
When you conduct parent workshops, you start to see the same issues coming up
over and over for parents. The names and faces are different, but the issues are
the same. And the truth is that parents are often responsible for many of these
problems.
Here are three issues that keep coming up for parents, and an explanation of
how parents can often solve their own problems.
Problem #1: My kids don't listen to me
To expect that kids will listen to you perfectly all the time is an
irrational thought. Kids are in a very different place than adults are in terms
of their ability to listen and attend to things. Kids will often need you to
repeat things a number of times in a patient, pleasant tone. And yes, your job
is to be very patient with them.
It is often the "parental" tone of parents' voices that is part of the
problem with kids not listening. After all, who wants to be lectured about what
to do all day? If things still don't work, take action-kids will respond to
action much better than they will to words.
Problem #2: My kids aren't respectful-they talk back and argue too much
One of the problems with not having obedient kids anymore is that kids feel
more freedom to speak their mind. This can be irritating, but it's far better
than obedient kids that just do what they're told.
If your child talks to you in a disrespectful way, you have choices. One
choice is to be angry with them and to actually create more of the very behavior
that you dislike. Getting angry when your child talks back to you is a great
example of creating your own problems.
A better choice is to ask them what's bothering them in a compassionate way.
Kids will often take out their feelings on someone who they feel safe with-you!
And remember that you can tell them in a calm and firm manner that it's not OK
to talk to you that way.
Arguing is a choice for parents. It still takes two to tango. Most parents
who complain about their kids arguing are pretty good at it themselves. You may
disagree often with your kids, but arguments can usually be avoided if parents
can stay disciplined.
Problem #3: My kids aren't achieving as well as they should
Whether its' tying their shoes, getting better grades, or success at sports,
parents will always be worried about how well their kids are doing compared to
other kids.
While there certainly are situations that require extra help and support,
most of the extreme concern about your child's development is a problem in
itself. When parents worry about their child's capability, it sends a powerful
message to this child. Remember that Einstein and Edison were poor students!
The responsibility of parents is to believe in their child's ability to
succeed and to set high expectations for them. The rest is to be patient and to
be aware of your own insecurities. It is these insecurities that may be part of
the reason your child isn't doing well.
While it's easy to point fingers at your kids, remember the old saying: "The
apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Parents who attend to their own issues first will find far fewer "rotten
apples" in their tree.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers"
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. For more great
tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter,
"Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids," at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com. |
