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A Mother's Guide to Dealing with Guilt
by Susie Cortright
"Step on me, please."
When I was a teenager, my grandmother and I were on a family vacation in my
parent's RV. The quarters were close, the beds at a minimum. My grandmother
insisted I take the couch and she take the floor. I objected to this
arrangement, of course: "What if I accidentally step on you in the middle of the
night?" She reiterated: "Step on me. Please."
How absurd, I thought. It wasn't until I had my own child that I understood.
To some degree, every mother wants her children to be perfectly comfortable,
perfectly protected, perfectly happy--no matter what sacrifices she might have
to make. When we, as mothers, inevitably fall short of this ideal, guilt sets
in.
THE PURPOSE OF GUILT Is there a positive side to these feelings of guilt?
There can be, says Lesley Spencer, founder and director of Home Based Working
Moms (HBWM)--an association that helps bring working moms closer to their
children.
"Guilt keeps us in touch with our feelings," Spencer says. "If we are feeling
guilty about something, there is probably an area in our life that needs
addressing."
With the first pangs of guilt, ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Are
there ways you can alleviate guilt by changing your priorities? Will this be a
positive change? If so, make that change. If not, take steps to zap that
unnecessary guilt.
A mother's guilt stems from an inability to give more of herself, but Jane
Adams, speaker, author, and research psychologist, offers another perspective.
"Guilt is an internal state that is self-defeating and also self-absorbing," she
says. "Guilt is all about you, not the subject of your feelings."
Adams adds that she prefers the word 'regret,' because regret, she says, is
"guilt without the neurosis. It is an expression of feeling that acknowledges
the other person's feelings, too."
4 TIPS FOR ALLEVIATING GUILT
1. Re-examine your goals and priorities Spencer
offers sound advice. "If your guilt involves not spending quality and quantity
time with your children, then the issue should be taken seriously," she says.
"Decide your goals and where they are falling short. If you work at home to
spend more time with your children, you'll have to address the issue of a
growing business that requires more time or growing children who require more
time. Don't hesitate to hire outside help to help you accomplish your goals."
2. Remember Your Role as a Parent Adams reminds us that it our duty to set
limits. "Understand that setting priorities, limits and boundaries...about time,
money, gifts, etcetera, is part of being a parent, and requires no apologies or
guilty feelings," she says. "Don't let yourself be run or controlled by these
emotions, especially when it's in the best interest of your child to stick to
the limits or priorities you've set."
3. Learn from Your Mistakes Discuss the object of your guilt with people
whose opinion you respect. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and vow to
learn from them. Be honest and upfront with your children, if you determine you
are at fault. Offer a sincere apology and explanation.
4. Change "Guilt" to "Regret" A simple semantics change could make a big
difference. "Try substituting the world 'regret' for the feelings you now label
'guilt,'" Adams says. "Regret requires no expiation--simply the realization that
you did the best your could in the situation and that you're not going to let
your child's reaction control your actions."
MORE INFORMATION:
"All Mother's Work" A guilt-free guide for the stay at home mom
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380779870/goldhaus
"Goodbye to Guilt" Releasing fear through forgiveness
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553345745/goldhaus
"Working Mothers 101" How to organize your life, your children and your career
to stop feeling guilty and start enjoying it all
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060952377/goldhaus
About the author: Susie Cortright is the author of More Energy for Moms -
http://www.momscape.com/energy - and editor of two "just for you" websites: BestSelfHelp.com, which saves you time and money by cataloging only the best
personal growth tools, and Momscape.com, devoted to helping busy parents find
balance.
Today, Momscape visitors receive Susie's "6 Days to Less Stress" course free:
http://www.momscape.com. And BestSelfHelp visitors receive a free self-help
classic: http://www.bestselfhelp.com
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