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How to Deal with
Sibling Rivalry
by Anthony Kane, MD
Introduction
There are many new issues facing
parents today. Sibling rivalry is not one of them. It is as old as Cain
and Abel.
Sibling rivalry is universal, but
more importantly sibling rivalry is normal. More than that current
research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family. One
of the sign of a dysfunctional home or a home where there is a lot of
stress is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes the children
tend to cling together for security.
So if sibling rivalry is universal
and it is found in normal homes, it must serve a purpose.
The Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
One of the main benefits that
sibling rivalry teaches children is conflict resolution. Life is full of
conflict. As adults we have developed skills to resolve these conflicts
in an effective and civil manner. How did we develop these skills? We
learned this by pounding our little brother. We learned this by fighting
with our big sister.
You can learn certain skills by
arguing with your parents, but it is not the same. Through your parents
you learn how to deal with authority. But siblings are peers. Learning
how to relate to them properly prepares us to relate to our friends and
our spouses.
You can only learn conflict
resolution when there is conflict. Sibling rivalry provides a safe and
supervised haven for children to learn how to resolve their
disagreements with others.
The second important lesson that
we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair. This is
a very important and bitter lesson to learn. There is always some who
will do better than you. There is always someone who is richer, who is
smarter, who has better behaved children, who has a happier marriage.
Life is full of inequities. We may not like it but most of us have come
to terms with these inequities.
Where did we learn to accept that
everything is not always distributed evenly? We learned it from our
siblings.
How to Manage Sibling Rivalry
Now that we have a framework for
what children accomplish through sibling rivalry, we can understand
better how we as parents can use our children's relationships with each
other to help them grow into healthy normal adults.
How to Oversee the Conflict
Resolution
Since the purpose of sibling
rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts with others, you should as
much as possible let your children work out disputes themselves. You
should direct them when necessary, but the idea is to give them as
little direction as possible.
What You Should Do
Create a situation where the
motivation is to resolve their differences. There are times they can't
work it out - so you coach them give them ideas how to compromise but
the best thing is to have them resolve it themselves.
For example, say they are fighting
over a toy. One child says he had it first. The other says he didn't get
to play with it at all yesterday and now it's his turn.
Who is right? That is impossible
to say. So what could you do? Tell them you don't know who is right
about the toy, but if they are fighting about it they are both wrong.
Then take it away from them and tell them that when they work out a way
of sharing it they can have it back. You will be surprised how fast most
children will be able to work out something.
What You Should Not Do
Do not try to figure out who
started it. In most cases you will never resolve this. More than that,
any attempt to figure out who is the aggressor almost always makes
things worse.
Usually both children are at
fault. Fighting with someone else is wrong. Once there is a fight they
are automatically both wrong. What caused the fight becomes secondary.
What to Watch Out For
Your job as a parent is not to
solve your children's problems, but to teach them how to solve them
themselves. They must learn to make compromises. As much as possible
they should be the ones who work out the compromise. However, there are
some things you should watch for to be sure they are doing a good job.
Make Sure Compromise is Reasonable
You don't want to let one child
bully the other into submission. You have to make sure there is no
coercion.
Be on Alert for the Child Who is
too Good
Some children avoid conflict by
nature. They would rather give in and be the "good one" than get what
they were originally after. If one of your children is like this you
have to be on guard.
Constantly giving in is not
acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains
him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other
child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of
others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the
compromise.
Special Situations:
An Impulsive or Inflexible Child
Some children have specific
problems, like being impulsive or inflexible. This may require you to
intervene more often.
Still whenever possible it is
better to let the children resolve their conflicts themselves. In most
cases, when you make your children responsible for solving their own
problems, they will be very quick to work out a solution.
Teenagers
The teen years are a special topic
by itself and clearly not enough has been written on it. However, I am
going to address only a few points here.
When Your Teen Fights with Your
Seven Year Old
There are two very common reasons
an older child will fight with a much younger child. The first is he
feels the younger child is an imposition. We as parents use our older
children to help us with the younger ones. This is good for both
children. Yet at times the older child can feel that he is being forced
into a parental role that he is not quite ready to fill. When this
happens the child will begin to resent the burden of the younger sibling
and this will result in fighting.
A second common cause is that
teens are very possessive of what is theirs. Your average six year old
may not understand this. He might take be used to playing with his nine
year old brothers things, but when he takes the same liberties with what
he finds on his teenage sister's shelf get quite a different response.
Teens have a need for privacy and boundaries around what is their own.
This need is normal and is part of the developmental stage that they are
in. When a younger child transgresses those boundaries fights will
ensue.
Treating Your Children Equitably
As I mentioned earlier, one of the
things that sibling rivalry teaches is that things in life are not
always fair. We have to keep this in mind when relating to our children.
Do Not Get Hung Up on Making
Things Fair
Life is not fair. You probably
know this by now. Your children need to learn this, too.
This does not mean you want to
intentionally discriminate between your children. However, you should
not knock yourself out trying to treat each child equally, for two
reasons:
1- Your children will not learn
the important lesson that life is not always fair.
2- You are doomed to fail. All you
will accomplish is to frustrate yourself.
You can't make things fair. Nor
can you give to each child equally. Your relationship with each child is
unique. This does not mean that you don't love your children, but each
one has a special type of relationship with you that is uniquely his.
You should make an effort to be
sure that the discrepancies are not extreme. You should be sure to give
to each child what he or she needs. However, you are not being a bad
parent by not treating to each of your children equally. That is life.
When You Can't Minimize the
Differences
Not all children are equally easy
to raise. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and
attention and resources. This is a reality. You will not be able to
spread yourself out evenly. There is nothing you can do about this.
If you have a child that needs an
exorbitant amount of attention, for example if the child is chronically
ill, then you should discuss this with the other children. Explain to
them that their brother or sister is ill and needs a lot of attention
right now. You might even try to get them involved in helping the sick
child.
Conclusion
Sibling rivalry is one of the
least discussed topics in child raising. Yet sibling rivalry is part of
every family when there is more than one child. Not only that, but also
sibling rivalry plays an important part in molding each child. How a
person acts as an adult is in a large part a result of his relationships
with his siblings.
Your job as a parent is to educate
your child to be able to function as an adult. You should use how your
children relate to each other as a tool so that they can learn to relate
to others in the future.
Anthony Kane, MD
Anthony Kane, MD is a physician,
an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the
author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online programs
dealing with ADHD treatment
http://addadhdadvances.com/childyoulove.html, parenting issues
http://addadhdadvances.com/betterbehavior.html, ODD, and education.
You may visit his website at
http://addadhdadvances.com. To sign up for the free ADD ADHD
Advances online journal send an email to:
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